...it will be forever.

​

-

​

Also I wanted
to be able to love. And we all know
how that one goes,
don’t we?

Slowly

Dogfish, Mary Oliver

-

2014

“why not try it on?” hyungwon asks kihyun during the dorm’s routine closet clean-up. his arm is outstretched, brandishing the black winter coat that kihyun hasn’t even dreamt about being able to afford.

“is that your attempt at a joke?” kihyun is wary, never knowing when hyungwon is joking in his deadpan sense of humor way or actually being serious. he thinks about the sly digs at his height and decides it’s a joke. the defense mechanism activates and kihyun feels his shackles rise. “because it’s a very funny one, mr. silver spoon. i get it—you’re tall and can afford stupidly expensive coats.”

hyungwon looks dumbfounded. kihyun’s defense mechanism powers down a little in embarrassment of having misjudged the situation. so it was serious. but why the hell would hyungwon want kihyun to try his coat on?

it’s annoying how hyungwon seems to be well-acquainted with kihyun’s quirks. he frowns a little. “it was just a silly idea. sorry for wanting to lighten the mood of having to do chores with you.”

…and that last one was a dig. kihyun huffs. “fine. give it to me.”

hyungwon looks up from the floor, meeting kihyun’s challenging gaze. they still haven’t quite found the same page to be on; kihyun thinks that sometimes they’re not even reading the same book. this moment seems like it could be a make-or-break. he’s treading on unfamiliar ground but there’s a thrill to the curious look hyungwon is giving him. he commits to indulging hyungwon’s whims this time.

“the coat. let me try it on,” he says kindly. well, as kindly as he can say in spite of his impatience. hyungwon is still looking at him in that earnestly searching way, arms settled on top of the coat that is now across his lap.

“please?” kihyun decides to swap out the mocking tone for a simple one.

it makes hyungwon laugh—the abrupt kind that kihyun has always found interesting. kihyun is baffled to feel his lips smiling in response.

hyungwon stands, holding the coat by its shoulders. “alright,” he says, and gestures for kihyun to put it on.

they face the small mirror opposite the closet and kihyun steps in front so hyungwon can  guide his left arm into the sleeve. somewhere in the back of his mind, he’s questioning why hyungwon is helping him into the coat but the thought is drowned out by hyungwon grabbing his right arm to finish putting the coat on. hyungwon smooths out the shoulders, the touch oddly feeling comforting to kihyun. he steps back and the feeling of comfort remains.  

“it looks good on you,” hyungwon remarks and there’s a strange quality to his voice that kihyun can’t quite name. it makes him feel…weird. in a good way?

“ha, thanks,” kihyun replies, fingers lightly scratching at his nape the way he does when he’s embarrassed.

kihyun’s still waiting on that quip about his height and how the coat fits but instead, hyungwon meets his eyes in the mirror and smiles softly at him. what is this weird feeling?

“you should have it.”

kihyun is quick to protest, hands already pulling at the coat to remove it.

“i mean, obviously buy it from me,” hyungwon clarifies. “it’s not like you’re going anywhere, right?”

the sincere way hyungwon says that last line strikes him, especially since hyungwon didn’t leave room for much interpretation. there’s a distinct sense of relief at the thought of hyungwon firmly believing in kihyun’s longevity in this career—in the faith hyungwon has that he’ll make it. so yeah. he isn’t going anywhere. there’s a lot left to do and to accomplish. now that they’re getting to really know each other, he’s realized that he’d actually like to have hyungwon there with him when they both succeed. he knows he’s never verbalized this thought—choosing instead to direct these types of sentiments to minhyuk—but something about this moment makes him want to solidify their friendship.

they best talk in unspoken and implied sentiments so kihyun says, “sure, i’ll buy it from you.”

he watches hyungwon’s eyes light up in understanding and it makes a new sort of warmth bloom from within.

-

2016


“god, it’s freezing out here,” minhyuk says, his teeth chattering lightly. kihyun feels the same cold in his teeth. kihyun presses closer to minhyuk to share the warmth, stamping his feet to get rid of the chill he feels.

they’re filming for one of the year-end shows, waiting for their turn out in the white tents set up by the broadcasting staff. it’s not exactly comfortable but with the resolve of newly debuted idols, they firmly refuse to complain (any more than necessary at least) lest they be tagged as difficult artists.

kihyun's a little lost in his thoughts but not enough that he can’t feel a set of eyes on him. he looks up to see hyungwon looking at where minhyuk has looped his arm through kihyun’s, eyebrows knitted together as if he’s bothered. he quickly averts his eyes and looks back up at kihyun. kihyun meets his gaze and raises an eyebrow. hyungwon shakes his head in silent conversation, but kihyun notices the slight downward turn of his lips.

he doesn’t have much time to dwell on the exchange, suddenly being pulled into conversation with minhyuk and one of the staff members. minhyuk’s endearing nature has the staff volunteering extra information on the activities of the day. they’re talking about the program, some insider tidbits, and how cold it usually gets while waiting. the staff member leaves, promising them another update in a little while. kihyun supposes it’s another wake-up call in this industry: winter is always hard for idols, especially so for rookies like them. he allows himself a moment to think about a future where they’re actually warm in the waiting rooms inside the concert hall. he tries to shake off the thought, knowing that wallowing is akin to giving in to defeat.

kihyun feels a heavy gaze on him again, looking up to meet hyungwon’s eyes. he recognizes the same expression that must be on his face as well. he quirks up his lips in a half-smile half-grimace, lamenting the cherry on top of what is already a shitty and tiring week.  

“sorry, guys,” their manager calls out. “we didn’t expect to wait this long out here. we have some padded jackets in the van, we’ll get them for you.”

“i’ll go get them,” kihyun volunteers, untangling himself from minhyuk’s grip. any longer in this tent and he thinks he might scream. “i need to walk around anyway.”

to his surprise, hyungwon stands up. “i’ll come with you.”

minhyuk lets out a laugh that has hyungwon glaring at him. kihyun looks over to see minhyuk waving kihyun away. “fine, take him,” he says easily, grinning at the two.

hyungwon chooses to ignore the interaction and pulls at kihyun’s sleeve. “let’s go.”

ducking underneath the tent flaps, kihyun’s eyes widen as he sees the snow fall.

“oh,” he breathes out, breath crystallizing into smoke in the air. “it’s snowing.”

kihyun looks to hyungwon and marvels at the way hyungwon’s eyes light up. “don’t tell me you love the snow. it’s going to be much colder now,” kihyun whines playfully.

“i just think it looks pretty.” they survey the slow fall of snow flakes, a serene aura to their surroundings. it’s still pretty light out, the light dusting of snow apparent. kihyun supposes it could be pretty. if he wasn’t freezing his ass off.

“it’s too cold,” he complains, walking towards the vans. the complaint sounds like something that would have come out of hyungwon’s mouth but kihyun has always felt more free around hyungwon; perks of same-age friends.

they reach the van without much more fanfare, the awed expression still in hyungwon’s eyes. kihyun decides he likes hyungwon like this—soft, contemplative, and quiet.

hyungwon unlocks the van, opening the back to get the storage box filled with the jackets. it’s a little heavy so they decide to wear theirs to lighten the load. hyungwon puts his jacket on before passing one to kihyun.

“hey, give me the keys, i’ll lock the van and you can carry the box.”

cue hyungwon’s incredulous laugh. “why do i have to carry the box? you carry it, you volunteered.”

“we both volunteered? and i’m older,” is kihyun’s childish retort and trump card.

it works somehow as hyungwon huffs under his breath and hands the keys over. he hauls the box, staggering a little at the weight. kihyun knows he’s overreacting and rolls his eyes appropriately.

they’re about to start walking when hyungwon clicks his tongue and sets the box onto the ground.

kihyun looks back in confusion. “too heavy for the scarecrow?” he taunts.

the taller boy steps closer to kihyun instead, the sudden proximity startling him.

“you didn’t even wear your padding properly. you’re supposed to be keeping warm. main vocal care routine and all that,” hyungwon admonishes in that tone of his. it would have annoyed kihyun but he’s too flustered by hyungwon pulling at the bottom of his jacket. it brings kihyun a little closer to hyungwon and he feels his heartbeat quicken. kihyun chooses not to remark on the pink dusting hyungwon’s cheeks. he’ll attribute it to the cold.

“zipper too hard to figure out?” kihyun manages to tease. he hopes hyungwon doesn’t pick up on the strained quality of his voice. he makes the mistake of looking up at hyungwon. the height difference forces him to crane his neck upwards a little bit and he’s taken aback by the way hyungwon is already looking at him. had he been looking this whole time?

“it’s not the zipper that’s hard to figure out,” hyungwon mutters lowly. kihyun barely catches it but before he can say anything, hyungwon has started gliding the zipper up to kihyun’s neck.

“you have to take care of yourself.” hyungwon’s voice is louder now but with their closeness he wouldn’t have had to raise his voice.

kihyun’s eyes fixate on the tip of hyungwon’s nose. “says you.” he itches with the need to do something so he raises his hand to brush at hyungwon’s hair.

“there was snow in your hair,” kihyun manages to say as if he didn’t have snow in his hair too.

hyungwon huffs out a laugh and lifts the hood to cover his head. before kihyun can do the same for himself, hyungwon’s hands are already there. he slides the hood onto kihyun’s head and pats him gently. there’s a reversal of roles, kihyun thinks. he’s usually the one nagging at hyungwon to take better care of himself so this moment should have irked him. strangely enough, it’s not anger he feels. he hasn’t felt that towards hyungwon in a while actually. well, maybe frustration. what the hell does ‘it’s not the zipper that’s hard to figure out’ even mean?!

they walk back to the tent after having decided to share the load of the box. kihyun is thankful for this little reprieve. he’s glad it was hyungwon. they don’t usually seek each other out but this is exactly what kihyun needed at the moment.

“i was thinking about the future,” hyungwon speaks up, all contemplative again. kihyun knows he means the look they shared earlier.

“i know. me too.”

“yeah. i keep wondering about having an actual waiting room inside, not just a shitty tent.”

hyungwon smiles when kihyun lets out a laugh. “we have a long way to go.”

they both still and look up at the sky. kihyun admires the slowly darkening hues. hyungwon was right; it is pretty.

“yeah,” hyungwon breathes out. “we’ve got a long road ahead of us.”


-

2020

“happy birthday, hyungwon-ah,” the slightly static voice of kihyun warbles through the phone speaker.

“thanks,” hyungwon breathes out. “thirty.”

“yeah,” kihyun laughs. “thirty. you’re one of us now, kiddo.”

hyungwon rolls his eyes. “it’s a two month gap. maybe even less.”

“semantics. i’m your hyung.” hyungwon doesn’t need to see kihyun in person to know he’s sporting a smug teasing smile.

“okay, hyung,” he emphasizes. “thanks for your greeting, hyung.”

kihyun chuckles lightly. “i know we said we wouldn’t get each other anything anymore, but what do you want?”

“hmmm...i don’t know, a camera?”

“ha ha, very funny. how about my bamboo plant instead?”

“have you ever been hit with a bamboo when you were younger?”

he hears the amused guffaw of kihyun. hyungwon is proud to have made him react that way.

“where are you anyway?”

“schedule. the magazine photoshoot. we’re on a break because they’re setting up the cameras again.”

“bummer.”

“why? you miss me?” there’s a teasing lilt to kihyun’s voice.

hyungwon wants that teasing lilt to be gone. attacking kihyun’s confidence, he replies, “yeah. miss you.”

there’s silence on the line. it kind of makes hyungwon nervous.

“did you see my outfit yesterday?” kihyun asks instead.

hyungwon sighs internally. trust kihyun to ignore his small confession. “why would i care about your outfit?”

“you’re annoying,” kihyun breathes out. “check katalk in a bit.”

hyungwon waits for the notification to turn up. clicking it, a selfie of kihyun starts to load.

“this was actually my gift. you didn’t even notice.” hyungwon hears the pout in kihyun’s voice.

it’s a mirror selfie of kihyun at one of the elevator mirrors in naver’s building. hyungwon remembers his guesting on minhyuk’s radio show, even calling in. he didn’t notice back then, too busy bantering and defending his honor from never having worked a part-time job. he notices the familiar item of clothing that kihyun is wearing and it knocks the air from his lungs, making him settle back into the couch.

“you there?” kihyun asks softly. the silence must have made him nervous too.

“yeah,” hyungwon breathes. “we’ve gotten sentimental at our age, huh?”

kihyun scoffs. “it’s not just me being sentimental. i genuinely like the coat.”

“you look good in it,” hyungwon says truthfully, still looking at the picture kihyun took. he opens his twitter app and searches for more pictures of kihyun from that day.

“back then you said, ‘it’s not like you're going anywhere, right?’. i still don’t know why you did that or why i agreed to buying it. the coat’s really nice and we know how much it cost. i didn’t want to be indebted to anyone during that time.”

hyungwon hums in affirmation. “honestly, i wanted to give it to you. but i knew your stubborn self would never allow it.”

there’s a pause and hyungwon knows there’s a question building up in kihyun’s tone. he’s always been good at guessing what kihyun really means to say so he’s quick to respond before the question is asked.

“is it weird if i say that i always believed we’d be in each other’s lives for a long time? i didn’t know if i would make it back then. wanted it badly, of course; was brave enough to believe. you sang during my first evaluation in the company—do you remember what song it was?”

kihyun laughs, nostalgia settling in. “let me guess, something by k-will hyung?”

hyungwon smiles fondly. “it was the song you had been practicing for the longest time: hello by nu’est sunbaenim. it was such a simple song but the way you sang it made me realize you were bound to debut.”

“what does that have to do with the coat?”

“impatient much? i was getting to it,” hyungwon huffs in mock annoyance. he’s thinking of how to phrase the next part of the conversation. kihyun waits patiently on the other line.

“i just…wanted you to remember me even if it was through a coat. something like me existing in this world even if i didn’t debut? because i knew you would. and i had a feeling we would continue to see each other.”

hyungwon can tell kihyun wants to make a joke about seeing each other even when they’re old. it’s the age-old birthday greeting kihyun always receives from him but it rings true to this day. instead, it’s a sincere confession from a close friend: “isn’t it unbelievable how a coat somehow signifies what we’ve gone through together? i’m glad we got to debut together. i don’t think i’ve said that before.”

hyungwon laughs and a warmth burns even hotter in his chest. there’s a fragility to this moment—he wants to push it even further.

“i wanted you to have something of mine because it was you.” he inhales. “it’s always going to be you, i think.”

“you’re not doing this on the phone,” comes kihyun’s incredulous voice.

“it’s my birthday. i’m free to do what i want.”

“no. i refuse for this to happen over a phone call. you infuriate me sometimes, you know?”

hyungwon is giddy with laughter. “i’ll come see you then. since i do miss you and all.”

he hears kihyun’s sharp inhale. “you’re awfully bold tonight.”

there’s a faint knock in the background followed by shouts of kihyun’s name.

 

“wait for me?”

“it’s late,” kihyun’s voice is apprehensive.

“i have to see you.”

it sounds lacking. it’s not a biological impulse—it’s beyond that. it’s a careful formation of desire over the years they've known each other, culminating in a conscious decision to feel and act a certain way. so hyungwon wants. he has kept the feeling for years and is finally able to verbalize it.

he tries again: “i want to see you.”

it has the intended effect. he can hear the approval in kihyun’s voice when he answers, “it is your birthday; i should at least solve your ‘missing me’ problem. i’ll see you when we’re done.”

“now who’s bold?” hyungwon smiles. “i’ll see you soon.”

another more insistent shout of kihyun’s name has kihyun muttering a quick goodbye into the phone, silence filling hyungwon’s ear.

he can’t quite fight the grin on his face. lightly touching his cheeks, he finds them a little sore and still raised. happiness is a daunting feeling.

-

“you didn’t even change?” hyungwon tuts, sitting on the bench. kihyun had asked to meet in the open smoking area behind hyungwon’s apartment building.

“no, there was no time,” kihyun blushes. “i wanted to see you too.”

hyungwon smiles openly at him. he unwinds the scarf from his neck and drapes it carefully around kihyun. it reminds kihyun of their time on the beach as trainees—he’d done the same for hyungwon once. he’s struck by how much history they share. the coat was a physical thing, but the history they’ve written together is intangible. it’s something kihyun can’t and won’t ever forget.

“so,” hyungwon starts, awkwardly looking down at the slight dusting of the snow on the ground. the fragility of the moment strikes again.

kihyun nudges hyungwon with his shoulder. “you were about to confess over the phone.”

hyungwon scoffs. “that was not a confession.”

“was too.”

“was not.”

“so you don’t like me?”

“you know what? not so much right now.”

kihyun laughs at that, the dimples by his eyes making an appearance. the atmosphere feels lighter—hyungwon always has a way of putting him at ease by stressing him out.

“i always thought winter was our thing, you know,” kihyun muses, changing the direction of the conversation. “the season reminds me of you. and not just because of your allergies.”

“wow, thanks,” hyungwon replies sarcastically. “how is it our thing?”

“dunno, you’re the lyricist and sentimental one. figure it out.”

“i’ll tell you when i do.”

kihyun looks at him, smiling slightly. “yeah, you do that.”

“i’ve always thought of winter to be the prettiest season,” hyungwon replies matter-of-fact, holding kihyun’s gaze.

“is that it?” kihyun rolls his eyes but his cheeks feel warm.

hyungwon shakes his head. “we have the rest of our lives to figure it out.”

 

this time, kihyun shares the same sentiment—he’s sure they’ll continue being in each other’s lives for a long, long time.

kihyun bravely takes one of hyungwon’s ungloved hands, lacing their fingers together. “yeah, we do.”

hyungwon seizes his chance and turns to kihyun. “can i kiss you?” the question is soft but kihyun knows it isn’t asked with a light heart. they’ve softened over the years, becoming more accustomed to each other. kihyun remembers when he thought they were never going to be on the same page, but this moment is them writing a new story together.

kihyun nods with a bashful smile and hyungwon leans closer, his other hand coming up to cup kihyun’s jaw. it’s a soft press of their lips but kihyun feels as if he’s floating. they break apart and hyungwon smiles so shyly, it makes kihyun surge forward to kiss him again. it’s a little more insistent this time, years of waiting and longing making itself known. hyungwon is the first to pull away, resting his forehead against kihyun’s. kihyun understands the need for physical touch and he squeezes hyungwon’s hand. the smile that blossoms on hyungwon’s face is far prettier than anything kihyun has seen in his life. it strikes him that it should feel like there’s been a momentous shift in the world but it finally feels quiet.

“i thought it would be more…dramatic,” hyungwon admits, laughing lightly. “i like it like this. it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for all that waiting.”

kihyun laughs along with him and shifts so they’re sitting side by side again. “what waiting? i only started liking you today.”

hyungwon nudges him with a playful glare. “okay,” he hums. “i don’t mind being the one who waited for you to catch up.”

kihyun knows hyungwon is expecting a joke so he decides to lessen the feeling of wanting to burst with feelings by being honest. “thank you for waiting for me.” he tries to smile at hyungwon but finds that he hasn’t stopped smiling since the start of their conversation.

hyungwon’s eyes soften and he leans to press a kiss to kihyun’s temple.

“you’ll always be worth it.”

​

sitting there together, kihyun might have an answer for hyungwon after all—like winter, it’s been harsh for them. they've never been each other's particular cup of tea and it's taken them a long time to start appreciating each other. but with age and time comes understanding, respect, and even admiration. a life without hyungwon seems unthinkable now. kihyun sure there's a lot more for them to discover in this new journey of theirs; the blossoming in spring, the heat of the summer, and the gentleness of autumn. he isn't worried about answering the winter question just yet—like hyungwon said, they have the rest of their lives to figure it out.